hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
