That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Randomize