I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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