i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
