I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
