It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
