get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
