Jerry, you need to find god
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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