I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
