Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
