i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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