so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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