Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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