In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
