I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
