You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
