I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I think my moral compass just broke
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
