listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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