how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
The best revenge is premature balding
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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