Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
