my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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