my phone needs a breathalizer
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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