i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
