I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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