I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
