you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
