Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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