Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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