so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
