We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
