Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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