he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
