I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
