Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
