apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
