Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
