I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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