ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
