are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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