gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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