Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Oh god it's open bar.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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