Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Terrible idea I love it
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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