I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
