there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
