someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
