Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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