I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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