I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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