you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
