Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
