HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
