i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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