I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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