There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
